Clearing out the Crud Chapter Four

Love is more powerful

At least that was what I was taught in my Christian home, with Christian values, traditions and stories all around me.  My biggest thought about God was that He was love.  The Biggest, Grandest, Highest, Truest, most Pure Love.  That was the overriding perception I had of my feelings about God.  That is what I was pretty much taught at home.  I went to Sunday school and learned more.  God was still a good guy, still loved us, but we were pretty pathetic beings.  We were totally messed up from the beginning and God had to step in and teach us fear.  Why?  Why not just love us and forgive us as we were also taught he did.

Here was my big break with organized religion.  You can't say God is love one minute and that we have to fear him the next.  How can he forgive us one minute and condemn us the next.  There was no continuity that I could sink my teeth into.  No one was willing or able to answer the questions and so I searched.  My Inner Voice convinced me that there was a Higher Source, a God, and that love was the most important thing.  Perfect love can have no fear.  Fear is a tool of control, not love.  God loves, not controls, otherwise why give us free will.  It is not free will or love to say, you have free will but the only love and good things you will get are if you do what I say, how I say.  That is not love or free will.

At some point, other religions and other branches of Christianity began to enter my consciousness.  Questions began to form. 

The first big questions began with Catholicism. My best friend was Catholic, and the things she told me about were so very weird compared to what I believed.  Her God seemed mean and vengeful.  Not to mention vindictive, petty, small-minded, controlling and harsh.  This so completely clashed with what I knew in my heart, that I spent many hours asking questions and getting no understandable answers.

My view of God was, as I said, mostly Love.  Her view was fear of God.  She couldn't do this, she had to do this, other people had so much control over her life and her relationship with God, and still there were no answers for me.  There was tremendous fear.  It was like following a dictator.  Where was love? 

Next, I was introduced to Judaism.  Not believing in Christ was a bit peculiar to my way of thinking, but they were not all that different in beliefs about God.  Then I became more acquainted with their rituals, holidays and thoughts about themselves, and they seemed very different.   Again not much love around, but lots of pain and suffering. Speaking of suffering, how about the Buddhists. The thought of the fat round man they worshiped was pretty hysterical, but I didn't learn much about the religion itself. 

I became fascinated with the American Indian culture and their reverence for life and reasons behind their rituals and was impressed.  It was kind of funny (or was it sad) hearing in class about the Indians and what drunken, stupid, violent, and savage people the were, then learning in the same sentence about their nobility. For the first time I consciously remember thinking about how much it depended on who was saying what about someone and also I became aware of how one person could say totally opposite things about the same person or peoples.  No matter, to me the Indians had it right in their hearts about worshipping the land and life. I saw it as an extension of worshipping God, the Creator.

As I grew up, I grew away from the church, but not very far from God.  I just felt I had a different God than most.  MY God wouldn't say you have free will, then send you to hell and torment for eternity for exercising it.  MY God wasn't about punishment, revenge, anger and vengeance. He was about love, forgiveness and caring.  Like the different views of the Indians, it all depended on perception. 

Church was a fun place for me in some respects, but I had a hard time with hearing about how bad we were one week, how wonderful and blessed the next, and then again flip-flopping back to the first view.  The people I saw at church were caring giving people for the most part.  I remember being confused as a teen when some of the leaders who were looked up to and considered to be "good Christians", seemed so very different outside of church.  A few actually going out of their way to harm others, or control them, and then on Sunday they were back to being the upstanding pillars, pious, giving, caring persons I had grown with in the church.  So I parted ways with my church, but not my God.

Since then it seems that every person I have met, every book I have read, movie seen, discussion had, etc. has led me to my unique thoughts of God, and the way I believe now.  I have come to believe that every person has a unique view of their own God, no one needs or perceives the Creator in the same way, uses the same words or even worships in exactly alike.

Sometimes it is easier to see things by looking at the opposite.  What is the opposite of love?  My first reaction is hate.  We are actually taught that.  You either love something or hate it.  Love is good, hate is bad.  It is a mystery to me though why we are so quick to hate and show hate.  How can you feel love when spewing hate?  If hate is the opposite of love, then we are being the opposite of GOD. 

Hate.  What is hate to you?  Are there degrees of hate, are some hates okay, is hate the total opposite of love?  Can you define love by contrasting it with hate?  In some ways I think you can.  In others, it doesn't apply. 

Okay, let's start with hate in regards to other human beings.  There are people you love, people you like, some you may not like, and even hatred of another human being.  The first question is why do you love someone?  Looks, personality, interests, status, needs, or that indefinable something.  You are looking for something, and you find it in another. Then you need something from them, or they give you something and now you love them.  Why is love something we search for and go after instead of giving to others?  God loves us perfectly, there is no bigger love or greater love, yet we are all searching for more.  Could it be that all the fear we have taught about God has injected so much crud in our hearts that we are stopped from receiving that love and must find it elsewhere?

At any rate, we are all searching, and we find it where we can.  And it is a different search for every single person on the planet.  Ever stopped and stared at a couple and wondered what one saw in the other?  Ever liked someone or thought they were great to have someone else make fun of your choice?  Why is it you someone them, yet someone else finds them abhorrent?  Pure and simple, perception.  And perception is born of individual experiences and needs.

What about those who love someone who verbally or physically abuses them.  They stay and defend and even protect the one who seemingly hurts them.  Their friends urge them to split, protect themselves, put the other in jail, etc.  The friend has no clue as to how the abused person can put up or continue to love the other.  Why the conflict in perception?

Jerry has the hots for a tall, athletic, blonde, green-eyed party girl.  Paul thinks her a geek.  His girl is a petite, dark-haired, brown-eyed intellectual.  Jerry thinks she is worthless.  What's the deal?  Is there something wrong with the girls?

Tammy has a baby; she thinks it is the most beautiful little girl ever, as do her parents and family etc.  You go see the kid, and besides the normal no hair, red-face look of the baby, you think it is particularly ugly.  Who is right?

Is there a right?  Is there a wrong?  Does it even matter?  The answer to all three questions is: NOPE.  It isn't right, it isn't wrong, it doesn't matter. It has never mattered.  A person will profess love and give love to whom they choose.  Science has all kinds of answers to attraction, and what causes it.  Personally I think science is probably right on some  counts, but there is something to love that science can't explain or predict.

Back to the basics.

Is there a right?  No, emphatically no.  Who you love, who you find attractive is unique to you.  Because your buddy doesn't like your girlfriend doesn't mean you are right or that he is right.  It means you have a different opinion.  That's it.  Your perception differs.  That is all.

Is there a wrong? No, emphatically no.  Who you love, who you find attractive is unique to you.  Because your buddy doesn't like your girlfriend doesn't mean you are wrong or that he is wrong.  It means you have a different opinion.  That's it.  Your perception differs.  That is all.  (sound familiar?)

Does it even matter? No, emphatically no. Who you love, who you find attractive is unique to you.  You have to live with your choices and decisions and nobody else.  You will do and feel what you will.  It doesn't matter.  It is your life, your choice.  All yours.

Okay, so we see that love of another or anything for that matter is a matter of individual choice, of perception. 

He loves dogs, she loves cats.  He loves sunsets, she loves sunrises.  He loves hardwood floors, she loves carpeting.  He loves sweets and meats, she is a vegetarian who doesn't indulge in sweets.  He loves Sci-Fi movies, she loves romantic ones.  He loves the beach, she loves the mountains.  He loves spending money on fun, she loves saving.  He loves books, she loves TV.  (And on and on and on…..)

Again, is there right or wrong here?  Absolutely not. Those are pretty easy to see.  We can see there is nothing wrong with liking dogs, or the mountains, or whatever.  We don't think of some of those things as right or wrong, just different.  What happens if Bob plans a trip to the beach and his girlfriend Jane has planned one to the mountains the same weekend?  There could be a problem.  Love has become a problem.  Love will now be processed as right or wrong.  Why?  It's perception again.  Her perception is that it's too hot at the beach, besides at the mountains you'll have a cabin with two other couples and that’s where they all want to go.  …What is wrong with you? 

You counter that at the beach there is always a breeze so it's not to hot, there's more going on, and besides you wanted to be alone with her this weekend.  …What is wrong with her? 

Is there really a right or wrong here?  Is one better than the other?  Again, no, it's a matter of perception.

Love can fly out the window here.  If each sticks to their guns, no one is going anywhere unless it's alone.  What a waste.  Why not use love.  Why not go with her and plan your getaway for later.  You will have twice the happiness and fun.  What's wrong with that?  Somehow though, our lessons in love included some stuff to clog it up.  We learned that if you don't do what I want, you don't love me. OR, if you don't do what I want, I won't love you.  If you do really love him or her why not find a solution that doesn't involve pain.  Why are we bringing up love in all this anyway?  Bottom line, if there was real love, there wouldn't be a problem.

What happened underlying all this?  The opposite of love? Hate?  No there was no hate here. So what caused this?  A billion and one things caused it.  Some possibilities are as follows for our fictitious Bob and Jane.

Bob and Jane have been to the mountains twice so far, but never to the beach.  Bob wants to ask her to marry him, so he really wants some privacy for them.  Plus they haven’t been to the beach yet. Jane was stung badly by a jellyfish while a young girl at the beach plus her best friend is having problems, and she wants to be there to support her. 

Scenario 1 - They fight over this, Bob mentioning the previous mountain trips, and Jane citing the need to support a friend.  Bob ends up alone at the beach.  Jane goes to the mountains and helps her friend.  Both pour out their stories about each other and how they detest the other to anyone who will listen.  Back in town, they belittle each other to others.  Now there could be hate.  Certainly there is pain.  Bob and Jane’s certainly, but also now those who were friends of both.  Their friends may be made to make a choice, between them.  They may just drift away.  All for lack of love.

Scenario 2 - Bob and Jane talk about this and Jane reveals her fear of things at the beach.  She really doesn't enjoy the water and hates sitting out in the sun, her aunt had skin cancer.  Bob confess he had something special in mind and really wanted to have the privacy to discuss their future together.  Each makes an effort to understand the other's point.  They talk, and decide to go to the mountains this weekend celebrating their engagement and including their friends, and to go to the beach next month.  Jane will spend some time with him at the beach, and he will spend some in the pool with her.  She can shop, while he wind surfs, and they will have lots of time together evenings and nights. 

There was communication, understanding and letting go.  Each let go of what they wanted enough to listen to the other and find a common ground.  Each got what thy wanted, though in a different way. All for the lack of fear.

Love and fear.  Two opposites. Fears from childhood and fears of the future were at the tip of the iceberg here.  Past and future fears affecting the present.  The outcome resting on love over fear.  Letting go of fear and embracing love.  Loving enough to overcome fear.  However you want to put it. 

The main thing is loving yourself enough to let go of fear.  Right and wrong enter in here too.  Especially the fear of being right or wrong.  Bob fears Jane saying no, and their friends being there, and judging him.  Jane fears physical harm, but also the fear of Bob making fun of her or putting her down because of those fears.  Neither wants to be perceived as wrong.  Both want to be right, having the other admit the rightness (I call it righteousness) of their position.

Loving yourself is the first step in having love and living in love.  Many have been taught and have chosen to accept the teaching that they are not good enough in some way.  It is a choice to believe or not to believe.  It was put beautifully by a gentleman named Max Ehrmann in a poem “Desiderata”.  “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”  There is not a person on earth greater or lesser than you in your right to be.  You have worth and it is not dependent on what anyone else thinks.  Their perception is theirs alone and does not have to be yours.  You have a choice.

In loving yourself you have to give up some fears sometimes.  The fear of what others think, the fear of letting yourself or others down, whatever your fears are, you must listen to your inner voice, learn from it, let go the old and the fear and begin to live the love you are worthy of, firstly from yourself.  You can't pour water from an empty vessel, nor can you give love you don't have.  If you can't love yourself, how can you love another?  We've all heard that so many times, but it is so very true.

More to Come